Boomers explain the lockdown to GenZ – a play in 3 acts
The other day I was walking home.
It was after an exciting trip to the market to buy broccoli – almost what qualifies as travelling these days – and I found a protest on my street.
There were a bunch of kids standing around, and one was prominently displaying a large Soviet flag.
They were protesting for some dumbass thing.
And for a moment I was tempted to judge them harshly – “Get a job and a haircut! Why, in my day! Etc.”
But then I remembered…
I actually used to be that kid with the Soviet flag.
Of course, this was long ago. I was young and uninformed.
But also, life as a teenager is often stupid and unfair, and one is subject to many pointless rules made by adults who are – quite frankly – mostly idiots.
So, in the spirit of understanding the younger generations, I’ve transcribed this real-life conversation between a Boomer and a member of GenZ – hereafter referred to as “Zoomer” about the recent Covid lockdowns and all the accompanying stupidity.
It went exactly like this…
Boomer: Hey, kid. There’s a virus out there. We’re gonna need you to stay home. Just two weeks to flatten the curve.
Zoomer: Okay, sounds reasonable.
[TWO WEEKS LATER]
Boomer: Oh, sorry, did I say two weeks? Actually, it’s going to be a LOOOOOTTT longer than that.
Zoomer: How long?
Boomer: Not sure. You’d better just stay indoors until we tell you otherwise.
Zoomer: I don’t like this plan.
Boomer: Well, would it comfort you to know that this is entirely for the benefit of people much older than you?
Zoomer: Not really.
Boomer: Well, it is.
[EIGHT WEEKS LATER]
Boomer: Okay, we’ve decided you can go outside again, but… this is tricky… Remember everything that used to bring you joy?
Zoomer: Sure! I love joy!
Boomer: Yeah, that’s all illegal now.
Zoomer: All of it?
Boomer: Well, most of it.
Zoomer: LIKE WHAT?
Boomer: Well, remember those events young people used to go to where you’d get together in groups, listen to music, and possibly have sex?
Zoomer: Bars? Concerts? Music festivals? Nightclubs?
Boomer: All illegal.
Zoomer: This is bullshit!
Boomer: We had it much worse during World War II.
Zoomer: What? You weren’t even born during World War II!
Boomer: Yeah, but my dad was. He told me a little bit about it. We’re tougher, my generation.
Zoomer: You were born in the 50s! You spent the 60s getting high and dodging the draft! And having unprotected sex with strangers you met at music festivals!!!
Boomer: Different times. We didn’t have viruses back then.
Zoomer: And then, you went to college, which cost you all of $400 a year, and then you got a job the day after graduation, and…
Boomer: Oh yeah, speaking of jobs… The economy’s going to be in the tank for YEARS after this. You should probably abandon all hope for your future now, just to make it easier later.
Zoomer: What, you want me to abandon ALL hope?
Boomer: All hopes and dreams, yes.
Zoomer: This is hard.
Boomer: You know what was hard? The war!
Zoomer: YOU WEREN’T IN THE WAR!
[NINE MONTHS LATER]
Boomer: Okay, so we’ve got a vaccine.
Zoomer: That’s great news! Does this mean things can go back to normal now?
Boomer: Oh, no! Far from it. You see, the vaccine might not be 100% effective, so everything you enjoy is still illegal.
Zoomer: Bruh! Fuck this shit!
Boomer: It’s okay, we’re working on a plan to get you back into algebra class… but we’ve got a lot of new arbitrary new rules we’ll need you to follow. I hope that’s okay. Well, no, actually, I don’t care if you think it’s okay.
Zoomer: When can I at least take off this mask?
Boomer: Take OFF the mask? Oh, never. Actually, you’ll have to wear TWO masks from now on.
Zoomer: Two masks? Why not just go for 17 masks?
Boomer: Seventeen masks? Hm. That’s not a bad idea, actually. I’ll make a note to implement a 17-mask policy. It should be ready by about the time you go on summer vacation.
Zoomer: So we get to go on vacation?
Boomer: Oh, sorry. It’s just a figure of speech from the beforetimes. Vay-cay-shun. Sounds sort of weird now, doesn’t it?
Zoomer: Not really.
Boomer: Well, I think it does. Anyway, you won’t be going anywhere.
Boomer: You seem upset.
Zoomer: How long is this going to last?
Boomer: Only until every form of danger has been eliminated. Sooo… probably forever.
Boomer: You know, during the war…
As I said, I used to be one of those kids.
One of those angry teens.
And you know what? I regret nothing.
I went to some protests that turned to riots, and I did some black bloc shit. We’re talking way back in like 2001 or something, during the anti-globalization fad.
Now, as I write this, there are police helicopters outside my window here in Barcelona.
La Vanguardia is reporting that anticapitalist youngsters are throwing molotov cocktails at police vans… Right here, right now.
Theoretically, the reason for all of this is the detention of the rapper Pablo Hasél, who did some stuff I discussed in my last article.
But let’s be real.
At least half of everyone is absolutely getting the shaft this last year of Covid-lockdown nonsense.
And the younger generations are probably getting the worst of it.
All the stupid rules to follow, no resources to do anything else but protest. Nobody gives a shit what young people think. Nobody even asked.
I’d be angry too.
Actually, I am fucking angry. I’m the angriest I’ve ever been at the incompetence of “adults”. And I haven’t even had my hopes and dreams crushed by these idiots who claim to be running the country.
I’ve got a lot going on, and I’ll be just fine.
In Spain or in a better country. I promise, I’ll be fine.
And – pardon the aside – lemme tell you about my experience with being an anticapitalist youngster who was at one point was (allegedly) involved with people who might have broken some stuff during protests…
That shit is pretty fun.
If we lived in a more civilized society, in which kids could do things like go out and get drunk and have sex on a Saturday night, maybe they wouldn’t be burning police vans.
But guess what?
EVERYTHING IS STILL ILLEGAL.
We’re a year into this shit.
And here in Barcelona, if you want to get a drink and stand around outdoors, possibly with friends, police will come and disperse you, using violence if necessary.
I see it basically every evening in my neighborhood: young, healthy people trying to enjoy their lives outdoors, being pushed around by police.
People gotta live their fucking lives, and if you try to prohibit everything, remove all hope, and make beautiful cities into wastelands as bleak and useless as your dismal grey maskhole soul…
Well, someone who’s actually still got some spirit might just get angry about it. Some people don’t want to take these things lying down.
And I can’t judge them much at all. They’re just living. Fuck y’all cowards who wanna spend the rest of your lives watching Netflix because you’re terrified of breathing. It’s your life. Live it the best you can.
Or don’t. I don’t care anymore.
Either way, don’t try to impose your personal bullshit on others.
Because there’s more to life than avoiding danger.
“Be safe” is a philosophy for idiots.
We’re all gonna die eventually.
Let’s live while we can.
P.S. I’m not sure what my P.S. is today, but I guess I could link to my article about how I got the coronavirus. Or, uh… Nah, nothing. Just go live your damn life. Carpe the shit outta this diem. And don’t let the maskholes get you down. Life is out there. Peace!