A conversation between body and soul… or: Just eat the damn donut already!
Just listen to your body, they say.
Well, I call bullshit.
I’ve spoken with my body. Here’s what he says…
Body: Bro. Get up.
Soul: Nah… I’m comfortable here in bed.
Body: No, for real. Get up. I need donuts.
Soul: We’re cutting carbs, remember?
Body: That was yesterday. C’mon. Today’s Sunday. Who cuts carbs on a Sunday?
Soul: Sorry. The plan is the plan. We’re going to lie in bed for about 5 more minutes, then get up, have some coffee, do some writing and go work out.
Body: What, on a Sunday? You outta your fuckin’ mind?
Soul: We had this same conversation a couple of days ago. You said, “What, on a Thursday? You outta your fuckin’ mind?”
Body: Forget about working out! All you gotta do is go down the street to get some donuts, and then we can get back in bed.
Soul: I don’t know…
Body: You know, Churchill stayed in bed every day till noon. He ran the whole British Empire from his bed. You really have no excuse.
Soul: Churchill was fat.
Body: Churchill saved Europe from fascism! What the fuck have you done with your life? And here’s another thing. I’ve been meaning to bring this up…
Soul: Bring what up?
Body: I think we should start drinking earlier in the day.
Soul: No way! We’re already tipsy like half the time. Remember the whole week of our birthday and Thanksgiving? We were hung over every morning! We do NOT need more alcohol.
Body: Well, Churchill would drink a whole bottle of champagne with breakfast every day.
Body: Yeah, I read about it somewhere.
Soul: Lemme google that really quick.
Body: No way, bro. Just trust me.
Soul: I think you mean Otto von Bismarck. I remember reading something. Somewhere. About someone. But… Churchill?
Body: Yeah. And you’ve had that bottle of cava sitting there in the fridge for months. Whaddya waiting for?
Soul: Well, some day a special girl is going to come over. And I’ll be able to offer her some cava!
Body: Who do you think you’re kidding? Special girl… Pfff! With your abs? You’re lucky there are still girls willing to sit next to you on the metro.
Soul: Those are your abs!!! And it’s because YOU want to eat donuts and drink in the morning and watch endless porn instead of going out and doing exercise and meeting people.
Body: This is not my fault. I don’t care what you say. Don’t guilt-trip me.
Soul: You know, you used to be cool. We’d chase girls together. We had fun.
Body: Motherfucker, those were our twenties. Of course we had fun. Now we’re almost 35! Shit done changed, as Biggie would say. Talkin’ about your fat heroes… just roll with it, dawg!
Soul: But… but love. What about love?
Body: Yeah, look how well that’s worked out for you up till now.
Body: Listen. Chasing tail ain’t gonna get you where you want to go.
Body: Donuts, on the other hand…
Close curtain. Sound of sobbing.
P.S. I wish this were more of an exaggeration, but it’s not. That’s really kind of what my internal monologue sounds like. Tim Ferriss says you can look like a superhero to others if you just block 2 or 3 hours a day to work on your One Thing. And I hope he’s right. Because I spend a whole lot of time doing next to nothing, or procrastinating on my One Thing, or watching cartoons and drinking wine when clearly I have work to do. Then I do my One Thing for a couple of hours and feel better.
P.P.S. I guess this article was sort of inspired by The Awkward Yeti, in which the different organs of the body have these constant absurd conflicts of interest. It’s hilarious. It’s also inspired by my conversations with Anthony Metivier. When we hang out, I manage not to show him my lazy, procrastinating side… too much.
P.P.P.S. The important thing, I believe, is to have a system that helps you get things done. A schedule that you don’t vary from – or at least that you try not to vary from – so that you can work with your natural laziness instead of being a slave to it. Anyway… time to do some pushups.
P.P.P.P.S. Total honesty here: this article was part of my procrastination strategy for today. I figured I could write it while in the park, sitting in the sun. Basically any sunny day I’m incapable of getting work done. Which is especially problematic because I live in a city with 300 sunny days a year. Oh well. When are they going to put WiFi in parks? Then I’ll really be able to get shit done.